I have officially decided that I am never going to live in Tokyo or Japan. I will only come back to sight-see, visit old friends, and maybe travel here for the occasional business trip. Otherwise, I want to stay out and stay in America.
Lately, I have been feeling this kind of pressure; this force that I am always pushing back against/fighting with. It is so hard to explain and I know that it probably sounds crazy, but I feel it. And it makes me so angry and frustrated. The pressure that I am feeling is coming from this society that I am in. You see, Japanese society and Japanese people have this belief that you will never understand what it means to be Japanese if you are not Japanese. Not half. Not 3/4. But full-blooded Japanese. So no matter how hard I try to blend in or understand the society, I am shunned. I am belittled in classes when I try to make comparisons or try to understand what the teacher is saying about Japanese culture or history. It is not intentional, I hope, but it is still so frustrating.
On the other side of things, I am an extremely individual person. I have my own sense of style. I wear an anklet. I like to wear flip flops. I wear shorts. I have a side-satchel instead of a backpack. And it is because of all of these things that I am looked at as different. I am the 'other' and the forever foreign looking person. I swear, if one more person looks at me on the train for wearing sandals, I am going to kick my sandals at them. Because I don't look Japanese, I don't fit the norm. I usually just look down at the ground and don't have to see the people staring at me. People expect me to dress like I am Japanese.
It is so contradictory. I am expected to do certain things to be more Japanese but even when I do them, I will never "be able to understand the essence of what it means to be Japanese, since I am a white, foreigner."
So, I will forever wonder, "What is Japanese?"
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I totally understand. I had every intention of moving to Asia someday (I plan to get my Masters in Asia Pacific Studies), but after China my hopes have kind of been crushed, and I was only there 10 days, so I can only imagine how you feel. Not that America is perfect in any way, because we definitely have major flaws, but it's a lot more accepting here. Which is weird considering we still have racism, sexism, etc. But compared to other cultures, we are actually very accepting I think.
You know what else I thought? I kind of like America's "culture". In China, they are so uptight. It's deep rooted within their culture to be very modest and kind and polite. Here in America? We speak our minds! We wear what we want, do what we want. It's like we're the rebellious teenagers of the world. I hope you understand that, because I've explained it to many people and I don't think most do get it. But we're so much more laid back here, and it's nice to have.
Even if you don't plan on living in Japan, you can do so much with the country from America. Many companies have branches in Japan that they manage from the US - where you just occasionally visit there to check up on things. And I always see jobs in Cali for Japanese language translators. You could work in JapanTown in San Fran, have you ever been there? San Francisco is beautiful.
K. I'll stop using your comment space as my own personal novel.
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